I worry that because of the pain people have put me through in the past that I’ll end up being the cause of someone’s suicide. I had someone tell me that they’d kill themselves if I didn’t sent him an explicit video, when I said no, he sent me a video of him attempting to OD. So I had to. People say that if someone blames you for being suicidal then they are only playing a game, I want to believe that but, others have blamed their suicidal thoughts on me and I feel like a monster. I find myself being mean to people without thinking, without trying, I can’t control it. I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be. The guilt is tearing me apart. Today I checked the obituaries to see if an aquaintance killed himself because he miss understood something I had said. I feel like if I could cause pain on purpose then I’d be able to stop myself. But that’s stupid. Today my friend didn’t answer my texts, I thought it was because she was mad at me for saying things to my acquaintance, who is her best friend. So, I skipped out and went home early to cut myself. I’ve only started recently, someone told me it was great so I had to try it. I don’t regret it. I might regret the scars. I’ve started carving my insecurities into my thigh. Things like monster, lovely, evil, fat. … I don’t see myself stopping, even if I want to wear shorts again some day. Other then that I see no point in stopping.